It’s been awhile since I’ve posted anything new on my blog. Lately things have been really weird and I tend to not talk about my life because I’m afraid of being judged. Then I snap out of it and remember I have no reputation to protect in the first place. One of the reasons I started this blog was to get out of my comfort zone.
But there is another problem I face that’s been going on as long as I can remember. Whenever people ask me how I am or what’s going on, the first thing I mention is usually how I can’t get a job, or about our neighbor who smokes, or about my mom’s current health problem. What I’ve realized is that I never talk about me. Surely there is something about my besides the daily problems I have. I’ve been questioning why I do this.
First, I assume that people don’t really want to know about me and expect a quick answer. If I were a regular person I could say “fine” but I’m too honest for that. So I tell them the reasons I’m not fine. Second, I think that people get really bored when I talk anything about the subjects I actually like. I’m pretty sure it’s already well known how nuts I am about shapes,colors,animals,children,and women. I don’t think there is really anything new about me since the last time the same person asked. Third, I feel guilty to even admit that there are things I enjoy about my life. I feel like I should be miserable and depressed because of all the evil in this world. It’s really silly since me feeling bad won’t make anybody else feel better. Fourth, I’m afraid that if people knew the real me they wouldn’t like me anymore. I act a lot of the time as if I don’t care what anyone thinks at all, but even I need to feel accepted and will sometimes simply stop talking so that I won’t say the wrong thing that will cause fights.
Also, I guess part of the problem is that sometimes I’m not sure who I am or what I’m really feeling. My life has been so tied around my mom all my life and still is since I still live with her. I may be 25 but I sure don’t feel like an adult. I’m going to make an effort to talk more about me partly because people need to know what they got themselves into when they met me and also because they should also speak to my mom if they want to know her. She may have taught me a lot and we may have to share the same apartment,food,and bathroom but we are still two different people.