The Best Carnist Excuses

I must share this because it’s so hilarious. Only vegan activists will fully understand the humor in this because it’s a shuffled mix of all the things non-vegans say to vegans. Thanks for George Martin and Poffo Ortiz for giving me a much needed laugh!

“Hey, did you know that chickens need to be milked, or their canines will explode, and they will multiply and take over the world, and we won’t be able to stop them, because we’ll all be anemic on a desert island, with nothing but pigs and plants that have feelings too, just like the lions that kill zebras, who were hunted by our ancestors, and ate them for protein, in order for their brains to grow bigger, so that we can invent cell phones and drive cars, in order to kill them humanely, and get our calcium and B12, from free-range, grass-fed bacteria, that we end up killing anyway when we wash our hands, not unlike all those starving children in third world countries and Eskimos, who don’t have that luxury, and could never give up cheese, because of bacon and culture, and thousands of years of evolution, that made it acceptable, because everyone else is doing it, and i don’t like vegetables, because i ate tofu one time that a pushy vegan gave to me and got sick, and i don’t want to grow boobs from all the soy that feels pain, in the natural cycle of life, at the top of the food chain, of the privileged white farmers, who will be out of a job?”

“And lets not forget about all the fish that will be out of a job, who are the REAL victims, because of the cavemen that don’t feel pain, and the free-range, grass-fed farmers, who hunt to keep the populations down, and provide us all with organic B12, that’s killed humanely and is alive, just like the Native Americans and Eskimos, in third world countries, who have other problems that are more important than tofu, which makes you fat and gay, because a friend of mine who has a protein deficiency told me so, and his uncle owns a farm and cares for his sheep”

“”Hey, i have a gluten allergy, so i NEED to eat cold water honey, in order to get my Omega 3’s, because my doctor said I’ll die if i don’t eat meat, since i have a certain blood type in my religion, where God said it’s ok to kill backyard bees, as long as i say a prayer and give thanks for their sacrifice, and use every part of the egg and not waste it, because it’s too expensive to buy them organic, and not everyone is white privilege, so we shouldn’t shove our opinions down other peoples’ throats, or try to force anyone to grow up on farm, where cows can roam free and fish like to be ridden, otherwise they would have no purpose… and anyway, i don’t like your approach, so I’m going to go home now and eat ten more POC just to piss you off, because i need the calcium, for my ancestors, who would never understand me going vegan, because i can’t live on sprouts, and human beings are omnivores, and the dominant species on the planet, and it’s the law of Nature, and we’ve been doing it since the beginning of time… so there’s no way i could ever go vegan, because you own pets, and you might accidentally step on an ant when you walk, and carrots scream when you chop them up, and i want to enjoy my life, so no thanks!”

“If you drive car and kill broccoli you’re a murderer because there are other problems in the world besides bullfighting and sea world is doing good things for the lions.. and you can’t expect everyone, everywhere to be vegan because the estrogen in kimchi causes cancer.”

“I respect what you guys are doing, but veganism isn’t for everybody, because i have a gluten intolerance, that forces me to only eat Texas rib-eye steak, medium rare, with garlic butter, from cage-free cows who are milked with love before they are killed. And you shouldn’t impose your beliefs onto others, because they might have the same food allergy. And anyway, where do you get your protein from?”