I am not the sum of my problems.


It’s been awhile since I’ve posted anything new on my blog. Lately things have been really weird and I tend to not talk about my life because I’m afraid of being judged. Then I snap out of it and remember I have no reputation to protect in the first place. One of the reasons I started this blog was to get out of my comfort zone.

But there is another problem I face that’s been going on as long as I can remember. Whenever people ask me how I am or what’s going on, the first thing I mention is usually how I can’t get a job, or about our neighbor who smokes, or about my mom’s current health problem. What I’ve realized is that I never talk about me. Surely there is something about my besides the daily problems I have. I’ve been questioning why I do this.

First, I assume that people don’t really want to know about me and expect a quick answer. If I were a regular person I could say “fine” but I’m too honest for that. So I tell them the reasons I’m not fine. Second, I think that people get really bored when I talk anything about the subjects I actually like. I’m pretty sure it’s already well known how nuts I am about shapes,colors,animals,children,and women. I don’t think there is really anything new about me since the last time the same person asked. Third, I feel guilty to even admit that there are things I enjoy about my life. I feel like I should be miserable and depressed because of all the evil in this world. It’s really silly since me feeling bad won’t make anybody else feel better. Fourth, I’m afraid that if people knew the real me they wouldn’t like me anymore. I act a lot of the time as if I don’t care what anyone thinks at all, but even I need to feel accepted and will sometimes simply stop talking so that I won’t say the wrong thing that will cause fights.

Also, I guess part of the problem is that sometimes I’m not sure who I am or what I’m really feeling. My life has been so tied around my mom all my life and still is since I still live with her. I may be 25 but I sure don’t feel like an adult. I’m going to make an effort to talk more about me partly because people need to know what they got themselves into when they met me and also because they should also speak to my mom if they want to know her. She may have taught me a lot and we may have to share the same apartment,food,and bathroom but we are still two different people.

I Like Babies


Since I’ve already had my rant against abortion, I think I should talk about how much I love babies. For some odd reason I like babies. They are safe. New babies haven’t learned to say mean things because they haven’t learned to say anything at all! Also, I don’t have to say anything to them at all. I just stare at them and they stare back. I’m not afraid of them and they aren’t afraid of me.

The younger people are, the better I get along with them. I think it’s because they turn evil as soon as they start going to school and end up copying the words and actions of whoever they are around. I wish that all people could stay as cute and honest as they were as a baby.

Also, this brings me to a problem I have. See, I have dreams of getting married and having kids, but there are a few reasons I don’t think it’s such a good idea. Obviously, this world is a mess. If I were to cause yet another baby to be born, they most likely would be hurt. I can’t promise them a good life. I can’t promise them that I could feed them since having a job and earning the money required to buy food for them is something totally out of my control. Here I’ve been trying to get a job since I was 16 and I’m 25.

Also, how do I know whether or not one of my children could end up being the next Adolf Hitler. I have no control over what they do when they grow up. I would try to teach them about Jesus so that they could be saved and live with me in heaven forever, but they also could reject that and go to hell forever and it would be my fault for having caused them to exist.

Though obviously all of that wouldn’t be something that I could do alone anyway. I would first have to find a wife who would end up being the mother. That’s not likely to happen either.

I’ve also thought about someday adopting someone. Someday if I’m rich enough, I could improve the life of someone who is already born so that if things turned out bad at least I wouldn’t feel the guilt of causing them to be conceived.

But how did I get talking about all those negative things? Back to the positive, I just plain like babies and want to have them for some odd reason. No doubt they would like playing with me just as nearly all the kids I’ve known at the various churches I’ve been in do. I’m just like a kid and I think the same way they do. I just happen to be in an adult body.

And that’s why I can’t understand why people want to kill their babies.

Books


I haven’t been posting much lately because I spent all afternoon monday at the library and reading one of the books I checked out.

So I thought I would write about the things I like about public libraries and books. Whoever came up with the idea of putting in on paper was a genius. I will always prefer a real book over the silly ebooks people are into now. Traditional books don’t require electricity,last longer than any machine, and provide a good place to hide anything else that is thin like paper. Of course the usefulness of a book depends on the words inside. What it’s about and how true the information is matter more than the paper,ink,or pretty cover. I’ve heard you can’t judge a book by it’s cover. Actually, you can but you’re most likely wrong.

Also, a public library is an amazing idea. It’s one of the few things that is free in this world. Not only can people read all the books,newspapers, and magazines but they also have computers with internet access these days. Actually, I think it’s kind of sad that most people are on the computers instead of reading books. The nice thing is that I can lay on the floor in the adult non fiction section and read without being in anyone’s way.

As long as there are public libraries in america, we haven’t lost all freedom.

Cars


Most people I know drive cars. When people find out that I’m 25 and have never driven a car they are shocked. Even more shocking is the fact that I don’t want a car. I just want to put an end to this silliness by explaining the reasons why I would like to live my life carless.

First, the pollution caused by the gasoline makes me sick. I literally feel sick being anywhere near the smell of gasoline. Also, cars are just plain expensive. How can a person with no job buy a car and pay the taxes,insurance,gas,and repairs. Where we live doesn’t even have a garage to keep a car.

And another major thing is how strong my legs are from walking. I can walk long distances and dance like no one else. A person can definitely get more exercise walking.

But besides being unable to drive or having any desire, I also hate riding in cars with people. I don’t like being trapped in such a small place with a seatbelt that gets to tight and strangles me. Also, some people think that just because you’re in their car, they can say any thing they want to you or hurt your ears with their loud radio music. That’s why even if I have a ride available I’ll choose to walk.

I can have good talks with people too while they give me rides. Still, I probably wouldn’t ride with people nearly as often as I do if it weren’t for my mom who always worries about me walking places by myself.

Dandelion


This story was my “fairy tale” I had to write for the Christ Life phase 1 group. It was good so I decided to make it public.

Once upon a time, there was a garden full of trees,grass and flowers. Every kind of plant and animal lived there. The plants grew every day because sunlight,water,and dirt were never hard to find. One day all of that changed. Humans came and built a city. They cut down the trees,shot the animals and killed all of them that didn’t run away fast enough. The humans also built roads over much of the grass and flowers. There was still a lot of beauty to be seen there for some time but it was nothing like before. The flowers were still there and wished they could do something before they were destroyed too. However, the flowers could not speak the language of the humans nor could they run away like the animals. They knew it would only be a matter of time before the humans would continue their destruction. The humans didn’t call it destruction. They called it construction, progress, growth, prosperity, improvement and any other word that meant the complete opposite of what they were doing. They built houses,stores,restaurants,and churches. Every time they built something new, they cut down anything that they thought was in their way. This included more trees,flowers and grass. There were many things on wheels which the humans called “cars”. They would roll and move on the roads and parking lots the humans had built. They air soon became polluted and stinky with the smell of gasoline. Even the flowers which had still survived died off slowly without any clean air or water. However, one of the flowers spread it’s seeds one day. It’s seeds were special because each had a white parachute that carried it as far as the wind could take it. Most of them blew away for many miles. The mother flower hoped that they could find a place to land that was safe where they could grow and enjoy clean water,air,and sunlight.

The following is the story of what happened to one of those seeds. It landed in the back yard behind a house. The seed didn’t know where it landed or what it was supposed to do. However, there is only one thing a seed knows how to do. It sent a root into the ground under it and slowly dug its way deeper and deeper every day. It was eating and drinking whatever it could find. Eventually, the seed was no longer seed. It had not only grown downward but also up toward the sun. By this time, it could be seen from the surface. It was what humans call a dandelion. It was a yellow flower that looked almost exactly like the sun. This flower didn’t know that it was called a dandelion nor could it see itself. It just did what flowers do. It enjoyed the light and heat of the sun and grew stronger every time the sun was out or the rain fell.

The humans who lived in that house weren’t in the back yard much but every so often, a man would come with a noisy machine. He would push it and it cut down grass and everything in it’s path. It cut the dandelion also. The yellow flower was beheaded every time this happened. However, it was never completely gone because its roots and some of the stem were never harmed from what happened on the surface. It grew back in only a short time and was a flower enjoying the sunlight again.

But the man with the lawnmower came out every week and cut everything. The dandelion was confused. Why was there sun,rain,and dirt to help it grow. It seemed useless since clearly nobody wanted it to be there. It was tired of being cut and didn’t know when it would happen next. There were also earthworms in the dirt. The tunnels they dug gave the roots of the dandelion more room to grow. Overtime the dandelion became jealous of the worms. They could travel in the dirt and go where they wanted but the dandelion had to stay where it was. It could not walk like a human or wiggle like a worm. It sometimes wished that it could be a worm and stay down in the dirt where it was safe from humans.

There were other strange things the dandelion didn’t understand. The family who lived in the house as well as the neighbors would complain that the sun was too hot or that they didn’t want it to rain. They stayed in their house most of the time and didn’t like any of the things that helped the dandelion grow. None of it made sense. What were these creatures? Why did they want to kill it and the grass? How did they live without water,sunlight,dirt or worms?

That was the viewpoint of the dandelion. What it didn’t know was that the humans were going to work,school,church, and places to have fun. They left their house every day from the front door which the dandelion had never seen.

When the winter came, the sun was often hidden behind clouds and instead of rain, cold white stuff came down and covered the dandelion and all the grass around it. No longer could the dandelion see or hear what was happening on the surface. It could feel only its roots in the dirt. At least part of it was safe. For awhile, it enjoyed this time because the man with the mower wasn’t there to cut it. It felt like one of the worms because it was completely under the dirt and snow. It felt safe there for awhile but eventually missed the sun and wanted to grow as a flower again. It tried not to think about it because it didn’t know if the sun existed anymore or if the snow would ever go away.

Eventually, spring came and the snow was melted away by the sun. The dandelion quickly grew and felt the sun again after such a long time. But, it didn’t know how long this would last. How long would it be before someone came to cut it? How would it know when the sun might hide or when the snow would cover it?

Even now, it still doesn’t know why it’s here, where it came from, or if there are other flowers like it. It’s waiting for someone to answer its questions but it cannot speak to anyone but some of the worms who spent their lives without knowing either the warmth of the sunlight or the pain of being cut with a lawnmower.

Abortion


I’m sure much has been written about the subject of what people call Abortion. What they really mean is the murder of an unborn baby. It’s just plain wrong to kill people. Sometimes killing adults can’t be avoided in times of war and self defense, but it’s still wrong.

But the subject of killing your own baby is weirder than even murdering another person. If someone doesn’t want their baby, then why on earth were they having sex in the first place. It makes about as much sense as eating when you’re not hungry or watching Japanese cartoons without English subtitles. Even so, at least let the kid be born and then let somebody adopt it.

Another thing, people who want abortion to be legal label themselves as “pro choice”. I would be pro choice if only it was the babies who were given the choice. So for now you can say I’m “pro life” or at the very least “pro baby”.

“How are you?”


I have a real problem in social situations. This is something that most people can’t understand. Most of my experience in talking to people is in the various churches I’ve been. Below are some common problems I face.

People ask me “how are you?”. I have never figured out what is the proper way to answer this question or even the meaning of it. What do they mean by that? They don’t ask “who are you”,”what are you?”,”why are you?” or something like that. Some people add a little more to it like “how do you feel?”. I can answer that as “with my fingers”.

To make matters more complex, while people are asking me silly questions, they want to shake my hand. I can’t imagine why they would want to touch my hand especially if they knew where it’s been recently. Furthermore, who knows what kind of manually transmitted disease I might get from them. They might have been touching something really gross like their car keys or money. Honestly, I’m not much of a person who likes physical contact with other creatures. I don’t like hand shakes or hugs. There are those rare times when a hug is okay if I’ve known them for some time, it’s not a Sunday morning, and they don’t do it in a creepy way from behind me when I least expect it.

Those aren’t the only problems I have in relating to people but they certainly happen the most often.