3 Strikes and I’m out


I have made the decision that now is the best time to leave Life Christian Center completely. I had planned to just quit going without saying a word. I didn’t want anyone to ask me my reasons for leaving. I didn’t ask anyone’s permission to visit that church when I started in the spring of 2011. I met a lot of great people in the year and a half that I was at youth group. Overtime though, I felt less and less welcome on Sunday mornings.

Laurie Virgin called me to find out how things were going with my new job. I told her what was happening. Then she said “see you Wednesday”. I had to break the news to her that I would not be coming anymore. What she told me not long after that really broke my heart. She said that she was going to announce to the church that I left and tell them to leave me alone. I didn’t tell her to do that. It is NOT her job to speak for me. I am a 25 year old adult and I can speak for myself.

She said that I was part of the church family and said that I was like a son to her. If this is how she treats a son then it is a good thing she only has daughters. I’m glad that I already have a mother. Laurie also accused my mom of dragging me into some pattern of looking though the eyes of hurt and finding fault with churches. My mom did not drag me into anything, but excuse me if I happen to notice that one of the faults of people in church is to judge my mother when they haven’t taken any time to talk to her and learn who she is. I’ve had people tell me that my mom needs to be put in a rest home, that she’s old, or tell her that God is testing her by breaking her tooth and she’s not passing the test.

I could easily have decided to leave just over the way they treat my mom, or maybe over the creepy dead animals in the men’s bathroom, but I stayed as long as I did because I do like many of the people and I haven’t found fault with the majority. However, I’m sure that when Laurie announces that I’ve left, she’ll try to come up with her own reasons to tell others when they ask why.

And so,I think it’s for everyone’s benefit that I explain the 3 strikes as I call them.

Strike 1

They told me I was a “distraction” when I danced during worship on Sunday. I don’t know who I was distracting or what I was distracting them from, but I felt rejected and not as welcome as I used to. The really odd thing is that even though they discouraged me from dancing on Sunday morning, it was just fine for me to dance in youth group on Wednesday. So tell me, is it right or wrong to dance? If it’s right, then what was wrong about it Sunday? If it’s wrong, then why is it ok only on Wednesday? It doesn’t make sense to me. I didn’t leave the church over that but I was depressed ever since then.

Strike 2

The Sunday that Suzy gave a prophecy that there were suicidal people there that should come to the front and be prayed for. Pastor Bill Virgin however said “don’t come,because…….just because”. I was one of the people who was extremely depressed to the point of feeling like I should die. It could have had something to do with the fact that we lost half our income, our washing machine had broken, I couldn’t get a job, and on top of that people thought I was bad for dancing. Either way, when he told me not to come and be prayed for, I only felt more rejected.

Strike 3

In Bill’s September 9 2012 sermon, his whole theme was about God breaking us and messing up our lives. He said at one part

“You ever been messed up by the lord? You will have your turn if you haven’t. Especially after today. We’re going to release a holy ghost mess up in your life.”

This is very different from my view of God as our loving creator,healer,and savior who forgives us and dies in our place so that we don’t have to be punished. I don’t agree with Bill’s opinion of God and I don’t find that type of God in the Bible. Aside from that, it was not the kind of encouragement I was hoping for.

These are a few thing that really made me question why I was still in that church. After much thinking and praying, I knew that I couldn’t continue listening to this garbage.

I hope that all you teenagers and young adults know that none of this has anything to do with you. I can’t hold you responsible for anything that other people say. I’ll miss seeing you as often as I did, but there is no reason you can’t talk to me if you want to.

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Why I Like HyVee


Lately, my new job at HyVee has been all I can think about. I’ve been waiting all my life for an opportunity like this. I have an appointment at 10 AM Wednesday October 3 to talk with Andrea and Carol about when I’ll work and what time. So far Andrea said they’ll start me out bagging groceries. Seems like a simple thing and yet even that is very important. At Walmart I’ve seen that the cashiers always have to bag stuff besides taking people’s money and giving them change. Such a thing probably explains why it takes less time to check out at HyVee since everything moves faster with more people helping. In this way, in the same amount of time, HyVee can serve more customers and therefore make more money. People get out of their faster and get back to whatever it is they do in their lives.

I like the thought that I would be saving people time and yet I would be getting paid for it. I really want this to work. If I do well at HyVee then I could easily work there the rest of my life. All of a sudden I start thinking about how much I represent HyVee. As a customer, I already carry their canvas bags to carry what I buy. Without even thinking about it I have been advertising for them. Now I feel encouraged to buy the HyVee brands of things. Not only because they are usually cheap but because the success of HyVee directly affects me if my job is there. I’ve always liked shopping there anyway. It may not be as cheap as walmart but at least it primarily is a food store. It’s less crowded because you don’t have people buying computers,TVs,movies,furniture, or clothes.

All businesses depend on employees who can make customers feel welcome and get what they need. In a way it’s almost the same as the way that Christians should be. In fact, I find nicer people at a grocery store or a fast food restaurant than in most churches I’ve been in.

I’m excited about this job but still quite nervous. I want to do everything right. This is a game I cannot afford to lose. All my life we’ve been poor and I’ve been powerless to do anything to change it. I certainly need to earn the money.
But it’s also more than that. I will be around a lot of people, more than I ever have before and for much longer time than a few hours at church or the gamber center. Even though I feel like I have to impress people and prove that I can do a job well, I also am the worst actor the world has ever seen. I’m honest and tell the truth about whatever people ask me. The main benefit to this job is that nobody will really be talking to me except mostly the other employees and my managers.

I am not the sum of my problems.


It’s been awhile since I’ve posted anything new on my blog. Lately things have been really weird and I tend to not talk about my life because I’m afraid of being judged. Then I snap out of it and remember I have no reputation to protect in the first place. One of the reasons I started this blog was to get out of my comfort zone.

But there is another problem I face that’s been going on as long as I can remember. Whenever people ask me how I am or what’s going on, the first thing I mention is usually how I can’t get a job, or about our neighbor who smokes, or about my mom’s current health problem. What I’ve realized is that I never talk about me. Surely there is something about my besides the daily problems I have. I’ve been questioning why I do this.

First, I assume that people don’t really want to know about me and expect a quick answer. If I were a regular person I could say “fine” but I’m too honest for that. So I tell them the reasons I’m not fine. Second, I think that people get really bored when I talk anything about the subjects I actually like. I’m pretty sure it’s already well known how nuts I am about shapes,colors,animals,children,and women. I don’t think there is really anything new about me since the last time the same person asked. Third, I feel guilty to even admit that there are things I enjoy about my life. I feel like I should be miserable and depressed because of all the evil in this world. It’s really silly since me feeling bad won’t make anybody else feel better. Fourth, I’m afraid that if people knew the real me they wouldn’t like me anymore. I act a lot of the time as if I don’t care what anyone thinks at all, but even I need to feel accepted and will sometimes simply stop talking so that I won’t say the wrong thing that will cause fights.

Also, I guess part of the problem is that sometimes I’m not sure who I am or what I’m really feeling. My life has been so tied around my mom all my life and still is since I still live with her. I may be 25 but I sure don’t feel like an adult. I’m going to make an effort to talk more about me partly because people need to know what they got themselves into when they met me and also because they should also speak to my mom if they want to know her. She may have taught me a lot and we may have to share the same apartment,food,and bathroom but we are still two different people.

I Like Babies


Since I’ve already had my rant against abortion, I think I should talk about how much I love babies. For some odd reason I like babies. They are safe. New babies haven’t learned to say mean things because they haven’t learned to say anything at all! Also, I don’t have to say anything to them at all. I just stare at them and they stare back. I’m not afraid of them and they aren’t afraid of me.

The younger people are, the better I get along with them. I think it’s because they turn evil as soon as they start going to school and end up copying the words and actions of whoever they are around. I wish that all people could stay as cute and honest as they were as a baby.

Also, this brings me to a problem I have. See, I have dreams of getting married and having kids, but there are a few reasons I don’t think it’s such a good idea. Obviously, this world is a mess. If I were to cause yet another baby to be born, they most likely would be hurt. I can’t promise them a good life. I can’t promise them that I could feed them since having a job and earning the money required to buy food for them is something totally out of my control. Here I’ve been trying to get a job since I was 16 and I’m 25.

Also, how do I know whether or not one of my children could end up being the next Adolf Hitler. I have no control over what they do when they grow up. I would try to teach them about Jesus so that they could be saved and live with me in heaven forever, but they also could reject that and go to hell forever and it would be my fault for having caused them to exist.

Though obviously all of that wouldn’t be something that I could do alone anyway. I would first have to find a wife who would end up being the mother. That’s not likely to happen either.

I’ve also thought about someday adopting someone. Someday if I’m rich enough, I could improve the life of someone who is already born so that if things turned out bad at least I wouldn’t feel the guilt of causing them to be conceived.

But how did I get talking about all those negative things? Back to the positive, I just plain like babies and want to have them for some odd reason. No doubt they would like playing with me just as nearly all the kids I’ve known at the various churches I’ve been in do. I’m just like a kid and I think the same way they do. I just happen to be in an adult body.

And that’s why I can’t understand why people want to kill their babies.

Books


I haven’t been posting much lately because I spent all afternoon monday at the library and reading one of the books I checked out.

So I thought I would write about the things I like about public libraries and books. Whoever came up with the idea of putting in on paper was a genius. I will always prefer a real book over the silly ebooks people are into now. Traditional books don’t require electricity,last longer than any machine, and provide a good place to hide anything else that is thin like paper. Of course the usefulness of a book depends on the words inside. What it’s about and how true the information is matter more than the paper,ink,or pretty cover. I’ve heard you can’t judge a book by it’s cover. Actually, you can but you’re most likely wrong.

Also, a public library is an amazing idea. It’s one of the few things that is free in this world. Not only can people read all the books,newspapers, and magazines but they also have computers with internet access these days. Actually, I think it’s kind of sad that most people are on the computers instead of reading books. The nice thing is that I can lay on the floor in the adult non fiction section and read without being in anyone’s way.

As long as there are public libraries in america, we haven’t lost all freedom.

Cars


Most people I know drive cars. When people find out that I’m 25 and have never driven a car they are shocked. Even more shocking is the fact that I don’t want a car. I just want to put an end to this silliness by explaining the reasons why I would like to live my life carless.

First, the pollution caused by the gasoline makes me sick. I literally feel sick being anywhere near the smell of gasoline. Also, cars are just plain expensive. How can a person with no job buy a car and pay the taxes,insurance,gas,and repairs. Where we live doesn’t even have a garage to keep a car.

And another major thing is how strong my legs are from walking. I can walk long distances and dance like no one else. A person can definitely get more exercise walking.

But besides being unable to drive or having any desire, I also hate riding in cars with people. I don’t like being trapped in such a small place with a seatbelt that gets to tight and strangles me. Also, some people think that just because you’re in their car, they can say any thing they want to you or hurt your ears with their loud radio music. That’s why even if I have a ride available I’ll choose to walk.

I can have good talks with people too while they give me rides. Still, I probably wouldn’t ride with people nearly as often as I do if it weren’t for my mom who always worries about me walking places by myself.

Dandelion


This story was my “fairy tale” I had to write for the Christ Life phase 1 group. It was good so I decided to make it public.

Once upon a time, there was a garden full of trees,grass and flowers. Every kind of plant and animal lived there. The plants grew every day because sunlight,water,and dirt were never hard to find. One day all of that changed. Humans came and built a city. They cut down the trees,shot the animals and killed all of them that didn’t run away fast enough. The humans also built roads over much of the grass and flowers. There was still a lot of beauty to be seen there for some time but it was nothing like before. The flowers were still there and wished they could do something before they were destroyed too. However, the flowers could not speak the language of the humans nor could they run away like the animals. They knew it would only be a matter of time before the humans would continue their destruction. The humans didn’t call it destruction. They called it construction, progress, growth, prosperity, improvement and any other word that meant the complete opposite of what they were doing. They built houses,stores,restaurants,and churches. Every time they built something new, they cut down anything that they thought was in their way. This included more trees,flowers and grass. There were many things on wheels which the humans called “cars”. They would roll and move on the roads and parking lots the humans had built. They air soon became polluted and stinky with the smell of gasoline. Even the flowers which had still survived died off slowly without any clean air or water. However, one of the flowers spread it’s seeds one day. It’s seeds were special because each had a white parachute that carried it as far as the wind could take it. Most of them blew away for many miles. The mother flower hoped that they could find a place to land that was safe where they could grow and enjoy clean water,air,and sunlight.

The following is the story of what happened to one of those seeds. It landed in the back yard behind a house. The seed didn’t know where it landed or what it was supposed to do. However, there is only one thing a seed knows how to do. It sent a root into the ground under it and slowly dug its way deeper and deeper every day. It was eating and drinking whatever it could find. Eventually, the seed was no longer seed. It had not only grown downward but also up toward the sun. By this time, it could be seen from the surface. It was what humans call a dandelion. It was a yellow flower that looked almost exactly like the sun. This flower didn’t know that it was called a dandelion nor could it see itself. It just did what flowers do. It enjoyed the light and heat of the sun and grew stronger every time the sun was out or the rain fell.

The humans who lived in that house weren’t in the back yard much but every so often, a man would come with a noisy machine. He would push it and it cut down grass and everything in it’s path. It cut the dandelion also. The yellow flower was beheaded every time this happened. However, it was never completely gone because its roots and some of the stem were never harmed from what happened on the surface. It grew back in only a short time and was a flower enjoying the sunlight again.

But the man with the lawnmower came out every week and cut everything. The dandelion was confused. Why was there sun,rain,and dirt to help it grow. It seemed useless since clearly nobody wanted it to be there. It was tired of being cut and didn’t know when it would happen next. There were also earthworms in the dirt. The tunnels they dug gave the roots of the dandelion more room to grow. Overtime the dandelion became jealous of the worms. They could travel in the dirt and go where they wanted but the dandelion had to stay where it was. It could not walk like a human or wiggle like a worm. It sometimes wished that it could be a worm and stay down in the dirt where it was safe from humans.

There were other strange things the dandelion didn’t understand. The family who lived in the house as well as the neighbors would complain that the sun was too hot or that they didn’t want it to rain. They stayed in their house most of the time and didn’t like any of the things that helped the dandelion grow. None of it made sense. What were these creatures? Why did they want to kill it and the grass? How did they live without water,sunlight,dirt or worms?

That was the viewpoint of the dandelion. What it didn’t know was that the humans were going to work,school,church, and places to have fun. They left their house every day from the front door which the dandelion had never seen.

When the winter came, the sun was often hidden behind clouds and instead of rain, cold white stuff came down and covered the dandelion and all the grass around it. No longer could the dandelion see or hear what was happening on the surface. It could feel only its roots in the dirt. At least part of it was safe. For awhile, it enjoyed this time because the man with the mower wasn’t there to cut it. It felt like one of the worms because it was completely under the dirt and snow. It felt safe there for awhile but eventually missed the sun and wanted to grow as a flower again. It tried not to think about it because it didn’t know if the sun existed anymore or if the snow would ever go away.

Eventually, spring came and the snow was melted away by the sun. The dandelion quickly grew and felt the sun again after such a long time. But, it didn’t know how long this would last. How long would it be before someone came to cut it? How would it know when the sun might hide or when the snow would cover it?

Even now, it still doesn’t know why it’s here, where it came from, or if there are other flowers like it. It’s waiting for someone to answer its questions but it cannot speak to anyone but some of the worms who spent their lives without knowing either the warmth of the sunlight or the pain of being cut with a lawnmower.