It has been a long time since my last blog post. I have been wanting to write something but never could find the time. Between learning PostScript, helping my mom publish her poetry book, working at HyVee, and listening to The Thinking Atheist, I haven’t really been able to write much.
Part of the problem is I’m just such a perfectionist. I want to make sure I say something important that will make people think and impact their life in a positive way. The only issue is that I am not exactly what anyone would call “positive”. In fact, it is the depressing subjects that no one is willing to talk about that I find myself thinking about. However, this is what makes me different from others. I find a great joy in the subjects of geometry, arithmetic, religion, death, and sex.
It’s been a little over a year since I left the messed up church I used to go to. I have been left alone by the people who I thought were my friends. At the same time, I have had a great time working at HyVee. The employees are polite and I am always aware of what is on sale because I see people buying it.
What people would never guess is that I am constantly thinking about death. I find it ironic that people’s greatest concern in life is whether the Chiefs win a football game. Another thing is the way people talk so much about food. I like food as much as anyone but I would rather eat than talk about it. At such things I can only laugh.
When I die, it really won’t matter how many carts I bring in or how much money I make. While I work to earn the money, I also realize that it is no longer my main goal. I have become more interested in talking to the people I work with. I was never very social but after being in front of hundreds of people while working around 20 hours per week, I’m getting good at understanding them. Sure there are some things that I will never understand, but basically I now see them as being very much like me. One thing that we all have in common is that we will all die.
People avoid the subject of death. The controversy over what happens after people die is extreme. I used to read about the different theories of various religions and wonder which is true. No one has any answers to my basic questions about why people are born, then live such a short time before dying. People are afraid of the unknown, but if they avoid the subject, then I can promise it will remain unknown.
The great irony is that those most qualified to tell us the truth about death are all dead already. It’s not very often that people come back from the dead and write books explaining everything. Even if they claim to have died and have a story, I would not trust a person I don’t know. I know that most people are liars. What they say and what they do are completely different.
For me personally, I have been thinking a long time about my own death and wondering what will happen to me. Eventually, I came to the conclusion that there isn’t really much I can do about it. I didn’t choose to be born on this planet and start the life I am stuck in right now. I see no reason that I would get much choice in the next life if there is one.
You could say that I’m having a death phase right now. It started as I began questioning everything I used to think was true.
I used to believe I was a Christian, I had asked Jesus into my heart more times than I remember. I was never sure if I was believing the right way or had enough “faith”. I tried my very best to be like the other people in church who called themselves Christians but then one day it hit me that I was trying to please THEM. I was not serving God or myself. I’m too honest to play the game other people are playing. I know that I will not earn any reward by pretending I believe in their God or agree with the sick twisted things they teach about sex and money.
I am not an Atheist either though. I believe there is a creator. For lack of a better term I may still refer to it as God. I say “it” because I don’t think of God as being either male or female. I don’t even view God as being very much like a human. After all, if he is the creator of the other animals as well, then doesn’t that mean that God must also meow like a cat, bark like a dog, moo like a cow, or oink like a pig? Humans have a very unrealistic view of themselves as being superior to other animals. They even think they are superior to other humans.
If I find other people who accept me as I am and are willing to talk about anything and laugh along with me, then I will have found some true friends. If that fails, maybe I will just adopt a cat.